I’ve been a mess lately. Really. 2020 and even the 6 months before have probably been the most challenging of my life and career. I’ve had to re-evaluate everything I believed to be true, not just about the world around me, but about myself… and maybe that was the hardest part.
The past few months have been tough too. Lockdown feels unstable and it’s difficult to find balance, stability, routine… “vatplek”. My kids love routine. I hate it, but I need it. I’ve managed to spend time with the kids doing things we always said we would and wanted to (back when I was working a 10-hour-a-day job). We’ve baked every cake, muffin and sweet treat, made every meal, drawn and created, and been for that walk to the dam several times.
I love my children. And at this juncture I feel it is important for me to say that. When I was working full time at a job, I hardly had any time with them. Even when I started working from home, I was studying and it made sense for them to keep attending aftercare to get help with homework. And then lockdown…
24/7 in each others company. In each others space. And it’s been tough. 5 big personalities. One small house. The past few months have illustrated to me just how relevant the saying is:
“Don’t sleep all you want, eat all you can or say all you think”
But here’s the thing… I’ve been chasing a dream. When I left corporate last year, I decided it’s now or never. My dreams of becoming a life coach, entering the training arena and living a significant life became a possibility. The details of why I left corporate are a story for a different time but my first day out, I woke up with these words in my head:
“And so she knew, this was just the beginning, not the end.”
I wrote the words down. I needed to cling to them. Some days were harder than others. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed. Some days I ripped my husband’s head off.
I remember him gingerly asking one night as we settled into bed, if I was alright. “No I’m not” I said. “The voices in my head keep telling me I’m an idiot and asking me what the hell I think I’m doing. Some days I don’t believe them. Most days it’s hard not to listen.”
Have you heard those voices before? The “how dare you dream” voices. The “who do you think you are” voices. The “you heard wrong, this is a mistake” voices. Sometimes the voices have faces too…
I have experienced undeserved Grace, inexplicable Provision and unfounded kindness over the past year. On the days where I questioned my own sanity, something inside of me called out as deep cries out to deep, willing me on to a destiny I have felt called to for more than 20 years.
What has brought me back from the darkest days, has been a sense of gratitude. I’m not going to act like I’m that person every day, ’cause I’m not. But on the days when I didn’t know how to move forward, and I was about ready to throw in the towel, choosing to focus on what I had, not what I didn’t, was what made all the difference.
I’m grateful for an opportunity to chase my dream. I’m grateful for a forgiving family. I’m grateful for my parents, who don’t always understand but love me anyway. I’m grateful for brothers and sisters who listen when I fall apart and tell me everything is going to be okay. I’m grateful for business cards and new clients. I’m grateful for all the super scary stuff I’m doing for the first time that challenge me and ask “how bad do you really want this”.
And on days like today, I’m grateful I looked up long enough to see this beautiful little face looking back at me!
